Posts Tagged ‘Greed’

I’ve decided that as well as my 5% and 10% goals I’m going to buy a dress in a size 12 as an ‘in between’ goal.  Ultimately I’d like to be a size 10 (although admittedly my top half is unlikely to ever fit into a 10 properly without some serious intervention with an NHS scalpel) but I can see me fitting a 12 a lot more quickly, so hopefully this will provide some extra motivation.  I really, really love this dress from Monsoon.

Monsoon

It doesn’t look as beautiful in the picture as it does in real life – the embroidery is a very delicate silver and is absolutely stunning.  The only thing I’m not sure about is the lack of sleeves; I’ve always disliked my rather hefty upper arms and think they look better in a short sleeve.  But maybe rather than being a bad thing that will just motivate me to get to the gym!  I like the fact it has slightly more material around the waist too as I have a feeling that the Mummy-tummy may not be just a matter of weight; it’s going to take a huge amount of work to get rid of it I think and I might be reliant on Spanx for a while to come even when I get to goal.

I’ve been thinking about weight and why it’s such an emotive issue.  13st 10lbs, my starting weight on this journey, is almost certainly more than DH weighs.  He doesn’t know how much he weighs because he doesn’t really care – he eats what he likes and if he feels chunky he goes running.  As a result he’s got a perfectly healthy, trim body with very little effort indeed.  I, on the other hand, have a body which reflects over a decade of dieting then overeating, working out then slobbing around and generally never sticking to a healthy lifestyle for longer than a few months at a time.  The trouble is that when I’m not specifically making a habit of being healthy I go too far the other way and convince myself I ‘deserve a treat’ – ALL THE TIME.  It’s fine to have a chocolate bar when you fancy a sweet hit, but not if you do it every day, or do it after a three course lunch, or instead of dinner!  These things are so obvious it’s a marvel anyone ever gets fat.  Every other magazine in WH Smiths will tell you the blindingly obvious if you really are too stupid to work it out for yourself, and yet I and millions of other perfectly intelligent, rational people in this country essentially ignore common sense for the sake of instant gratification.

So often, of course, that instant gratification isn’t actually that gratifying.  I am the kind of person who will order a pudding because I’m still a bit peckish – and there’s nothing wrong with that – but will then get full half way through the sweet stodge I’ve ordered and continue eating until I’ve finished it anyway.  I might be sitting there complaining of feeling sick, but I will finish the pudding if it kills me.  Similarly, anything that comes in gravy or a sauce of any type just isn’t finished until I’ve practically licked the plate.  Why?!  For a start DH will sit there and cringe as I scrape the spoon around the edges (and yes, I have used a finger to get the last morsels up in the past – I’m not proud) and I’ll often feel my stomach turning at the thought of another drop of something overly rich, sweet or creamy.  But I just seem to be programmed to be greedy.

Noone likes to think of themselves as greedy – of course.  I did Weightwatchers several years ago, before I got married, and lost a couple of stone to get down to the 10st I now would like to be again.  It was hard but satisfying and I loved feeling fit and relatively slim.  I look at wedding photos now and can’t believe it’s me.  So why did I allow the scales to climb back up again?  Because, and I really think this is the key, greed’s evil twin sister is laziness.  There are people out there who are fat because they have genuine health issues, problems with their metabolism or their thyroid, psychological issues surrounding food resulting in eating disorders, etc.  I am not one of them.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with me.  I am just greedy for things that taste nice, and too lazy to counteract the effects of those things with smaller portions or some exercise.  I think I also have a bit of a thing about finishing what’s on the plate when I’ve paid for it – I feel I need to get my money’s worth.  Pretty nonsensical really – once you’ve paid, you’ve paid.

So my 13st 10lbs, a weight which fills me with horror because it makes me not only overweight but OBESE according to the lovely BMI charts, really is my own doing.  (According to those BMI charts I should weigh no more than 10st 10lbs.)  Yes, I had a baby, but I actually managed to do that very healthily.  I gained just under 2 stone and lost 1.5 stone within a week of her being born because it was mostly baby, fluid, placenta etc.  Fine.  I’m quite proud of that.  The rest of the weight, the ‘pre-existing flab’ as I’ve been referring to it, is entirely of my own making.  I’m lucky really; at 5ft 5 13st 10lbs could probably make me a size 18 or 20 if I had a different body shape but on me it’s a size 16, probably because of the afore-mentioned enormous breasts.  Thank God that underneath the flab I do actually have an hourglass figure.  It will look pretty good in that Monsoon dress I think – if I can get the greed under control and Zumba the laziness out of my bones.

 

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